War? What war?
by sQuIsHeDbRoCcOlLi
Summary: aizen and co. start a war...or not. complete crack, spoilers for post-SS arc. yups. please R&R!thankyou...
1. the prologue is always important

DISCLAIMER: i own bleach. and im a flying toilet bowl.

ichigo fingered the friction burn and imprint of a chain on his neck, completely ignoring the teacher's valiant efforts to explain to the class why _x_ could not be possible if _x_ squared was -25 while half the class (the half trying to pay attention Oo) tried to explain to the teacher why _x_ should obviously be 5.

_Stupid Toushirou. _

Seated strategically behind Chad, Hitsugaya was attempting to massage his back. He sneezed.

_Stupid Kurosaki. _

Ichigo sneezed. _Stupid Hyourinmaru._

Hitsugaya sneezed. _Stupid Zangetsu._

Ichigo sneezed. _Stupid midget and his stupid sword._

Hitsugaya sneezed violently. _Stupid idiot and his stupid sword._

Ichigo sneezed violently.

Seated in between the two alternately sneezing boys, Rukia felt her temper boiling up. _Just SHUT UP you stupid idiots._

Both sneezed violently once more.

The unsuccessful teacher looked up. 'Did someone catch a cold?

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	2. this is actually chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: i own bleach. and im a flying toilet bowl.

During lunch, Ichigo and gang sat on the roof. There, Rukia let out her building anger from the math class.

'YOU TWO IDIOTS!! What do you think you were doing, sneezing like you were intent on passing some sort of deadly epidemic of the never ending sneeze disease to me?'

'MY BACK (insert beep)-ing HURTS like nobody's BUSINESS!! How d'you expect me to NOT insult that idiot! I swear my backbone's going to SNAP if anyone TOUCHES it and I swear there are ruptures in my lungs! You wanna know why? Because I got HIT in the BACK by the blunt edge of a BIG STUPID SWORD! And guess who was holding it? YES, it was wielded by a BIG STUPID IDIOT!'

'OH YEAH, RIGHT. Why the (insert beep) did you have to attempt a strangulation murder on me? Stupid chain, should get it hacked off your sword. I swear if I get an x-ray of my neck now you'd see very nicely my aorta in the shape of an HOUR GLASS!! Wait Orihime the aorta's in the neck right?'

'Really?? I thought it was in the foot or the ear or something like that…'

'IT'S ATTACHED TO THE HEART YOU DIMWIT! Don't you listen in biology class?'

'No, why would I want to? It's (insert beep)-ing DISGUSTING and I know you're sadistic so shut up about it you shiny varnished pachinko-ball.'

'Point being, I was nearly murdered last night and I don't think my neck will ever recover from the trauma.'

Rukia, having finally found out how to tear a piece of foil with the sharp end of a tube of plastic, calmly commented, 'nobody asked you to pick a fight with Hitsugaya-taichou.'

The taichou in question lay flat on the roof and groaned, apparently in pain. 'My respiratory system will never be the same…maybe I should have skipped school and taken the time to write the (insert beep)-ing reports…stupid reports. Why don't you guys do my homework for me while I do the reports?'

'That's 'cuz we're not that nice. I have other things to worry about…like how much time I spend in front of the mirror…'

'That's Yumichika the vain pot for you. Taichou…you KNOW I hate paperwork…'

'I take the time to do my LUC-LUC DANCE!!'

'HURRR…'

'You technically should be glad he was half-dead (and still is!) or he would have killed you last night and the world would have lived happily ever after.'

'Half dead? And why don't I know this?'

'Because you're STUPID, that's why. He stayed up two nights straight writing the reports nobody ever wants to write. Therefore we can conclude that you're very stupid to pick a fight with him but have about 1 percent of smartness in you; enough to choose a night where he's half dead.'

'RENJI I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!'

oOo

**Beepbeepbeep-BEEP**

**Beepbeepbeep-BEEP**

**Beepbeepbeep-BEEP**

**Beepbeepbeep-BEEP**

**Beepbeepbeep-BEEP**

**Beepbeepbeep-BEEP**

_Crap._

The poor, stressed English teacher turned around, eyes shut in horror. 'You all know that all hand phones should be turned off during class right? So whose—'she opened her eyes only to realise nine students had mysteriously disappeared from their seats.

'HOW MANY OF THOSE THINGS DID YOU GUYS TAKE WITH YOU??'

'Six. One for each person.'

'STUPID IDIOTS all of us are gonna be in the same room half the DAY and you had to bring six? One phone ringing in class is bad enough, but SIX?'

'But Kurosaki-kun…' (A/N: this is Orihime)

'YOU TWO! (A/N: Orihime and Chad) Why did you have to come along? There are already seven of us! You don't need nine people to kick one stupid hollow!'

'I don't like English!'

'…Hn…'

'AND YOU GUYS! Couldn't you get out of your gigais? We could have six less students missing from English class!'

oOo

the PE teacher stood in the principal's office, staring at the strange variety of students who had, according to his surveillance cameras, committed the heinous crime of leaving six hand phones on in class and subsequently run out while the teacher had her back turned. A strange variety of students he had never seen before in his entire life.

'LOOK! I HAVE HERE A CCTV'

'…'

'AND GUESS WHO'S ON IT??'

'…'

'YES!! YOU LOT!'

'…'

'STOP STONING AT ME! I, the PE teacher, have recorded your running away from English class! We shall watch the clip over, and over, and over, and over, and OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!'

"—beepbeepbeep-BEEP beepbeepbeep-BEEP beepbeepbeep-BEEP beepbeepbeep-BEEP beepbeepbeep-BEEP beepbeepbeep-BEEP—"

The video of the classroom door emitting suspicious machinery noises was suddenly paused.

'DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS??' the bulky figure of the PE teacher stared expectantly at the group of criminals for either a sorry confession or a denial. Either way he would take pleasure in it.

His expectations were not met. So, he continued the video.

"—You all know that all hand phones should be turned off during class right? So whose—'

"—'HOW MANY OF THOSE THINGS DID YOU GUYS TAKE WITH YOU??'—"

"—'Six. One for each person.'—"

"—'STUPID IDIOTS all of us are gonna be in the same room half the DAY and you had to bring six? One phone ringing in class is bad enough, but SIX?'—"

"—'But Kurosaki-kun…'—"

"—'YOU TWO! Why did you have to come along? There are already seven of us! You don't need nine people to kick one stupid hollow!'—"

"—'I don't like English!'—"

"—'…Hn…'—"

"—'AND YOU GUYS! Couldn't you get out of your gigais? We could have six less students missing from English class!'—"

The clip of the opening and slamming door and nine running students (we all know who) was repeated a few million times and the PE teacher was quite enjoying himself until he realised his nine subjects had fallen asleep on the office floor.

oOo

The ominous shadow of the PE teacher loomed over the class. 'OK you lot…since you've come 15 MINUTES LATE for my class…I SHALL MAKE THE WHOLE CLASS RUN 5KM TODAY!!'

Technically only nine students and the teacher were late. This was due to the mid-morning nap the students had taken in the office and the little movie marathon the PE teacher decided to have all by his lonesome little (A/N: ok maybe he's not little but it sounds nicer this way) self.

'AWWRIGHT! Yumichika! I bet I can run faster than you!!'

'Says who? PA-CHIN-KO??'

'Do you think if we run fast enough we get free time at the end?'

'Shut up red pineapple do you seriously think it's possible to run 5km in less than half an hour? I'd like to see you try.'

'Shaddup Rukia.'

'OI YOU BETTER START RUNNING BEFORE I DECIDE TO MAKE IT 10KM!!'

They ran for their lives.

**Thud**

'AACK Toushirou fainted!'

**SNORE…**

'…'

'He's…sleeping…'

Being the smart in a warped way being that he is, Ichigo instantaneously formed an evil plan to skip PE. He picked the snoring figure off the sandy ground and started running off in the direction of the administration building. Before the teacher could say anything about it, he slung the still snoring body onto his shoulder and yelled, 'I'M TAKING HIM TO THE SICK BAY!'

The rest of the class caught on and each attempted to support the sleep-deprived being like a dead body and ran towards the administration building, shouting something along the lines of "a true friend helps a friend in need".

oOo

'Ichigo is school always this fun?'

'No it's only 'cuz you lot came and barged in.'

'Ohh…'

'AND WHY THE (insert beep) ARE THERE SUDDENLY SIX OF YOU IN MY ROOM??'

'Because there's nowhere else to go.'

'Because there's nowhere else to go.'

'Because there's nowhere else to go.'

'Because there's nowhere else to go.'

'…Because everyone ELSE is here…'

'BECAUSE I LIKE YOU CUPBOARD!!'

'Renji there's always Urahara Shoten where you can be the _isouro-dono_ (A/N: freeloader) again. You two BUCKEYES from jyuuichi-bantai (A/N: eleventh division) might as well stay out of my tiny house unless you're ready to face a destructed Kurosaki Byouin (A/N: Kurosaki Hospital) that you decimated in your sleep! The one and a half of you there from jyuu-bantai (A/N: tenth division)! There's no space here, so GET OUT! YOU! My cupboard STINKS! So GET OUT AS WELL!!'

'So…who's the "HALF" from jyuu-bantai…?' there was a vein twitching very ominously.

'You're half 'cuz you don't happen to be within my line of sight'

'TEME…' (A/N: a very bad Jap insult you don't want to know)

'ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK I'm sorry okay? Don't kill me I'm SORRYYYY!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKK!!'

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	3. picnicking teddies

DISCLAIMER: i own bleach. and im a flying toilet bowl.

'So…Where d'you guys sleep last night?'

'On the roof of your house.'

'On the roof of your house.'

'On the roof of some random building.'

'On the roof of some OTHER random building.'

'On the roof of Urahara Shoten.'

'IN YOUR CUPBOARD!!'

'WHAT THE (insert beep)! I thought I told you guys to find someone's house to sleep in!'

'I got chased out of the Shoten by Jinta-kun. So I slept on their roof.'

'We don't know anyone here, so…um…Ikkaku suggested we sleep on your roof.'

'Is…there a problem with sleeping on roofs?'

'I got chased off the roof by Taichou! So I had to find another roof.'

'Isn't your cupboard in a "someone's house"?'

'…somehow…Rukia's logic is warped but flawless…'

oOo

On the way to school, another argument broke out within the group. That is to say, life was proceeding normally with the daily necessities being duly carried out.

"OKAY if you guys get us SENT TO THE OFFICE AGAIN you're ALL going back to Seireitei! It was YOUR entire fault for yesterday AND the 5km thing!'

'MYFAULT?? I'm an innocent little girl—'

'Innocent little girl my foot. SHADDAP you sake-drunkard!'

'What did I do?'

'RUKIA! This is all you fault too! YOU came down here and DRAGGED THESE PICNICKING TEDDIES down to MY HOUSE and all barged into my CLASS and then we all got sent to the office to watch SIX OF YOUR (insert beep)-ing DEVICES go off in the middle of class! Over and over again! Of COURSE it's all your fault!'

'I...am NOT a TEDDY!'

'No, of course you're not, Ikkaku, you don't have enough hair for it.'

'WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU LONG-EYELASHED (insert insult)'

'I said…you DON'T have enough hair to be a Picnicking Teddy, or ANY teddy for that matter.'

'I am going to have NIGHTMARES about teddies tonight.'

'That's fine by ME, red pineapple. Just make sure you don't break the shoten's roof or you'll be fixing it without any of us anywhere within a 5km radius of you. Oh, why don't you change to pink, pineapple? I've seen those teddies in the toy shops and they look pretty cute wearing pink dresses and ribbons maybe I can introduce you to Yuzu.'

'RAHR!! LEMME KILL YOU!!'

The all-the-while silent figure of authority, also coincidentally the shortest, finally said something. (Insert applause!!)

'I HELPED cut down the 5km.'

'YES!! By FALLING ASLEEP!'

'At least you didn't have to run until your legs dropped out! SHADDUP or everything bad that happens in my life will be entirely the fault of this group of buckeyes! INCLUDING my early death which took place who-knows-how-many million years ago!'

'WHOA if YOU'RE that old, then how old are the rest of the taichous?'

'He exaggerates. He's only…I dunno…anyway I bet I could count it off my fingers without running out.'

'Are you contributing to my genius? If you are, thanks and GO AWAY'

'I am NOT here to contribute to that amazing ego of yours! I'm here to squish it down into the drain by pronouncing to the world how stupid you are!! RIGHT, Yumichika?'

'Really…? I thought we were here because the soutaichou got sick of our faces and decided to send us down here on some fake mission.'

'Ikkaku _hidoi_ (A/N: mean)! Don't insult my taichou!'

'OI! Yo there, Picnicking Teddies, I believe school is THIS WAY' the group of verbally undergoing World War 3 shinigami turned around to see Ichigo point at a road leading in the opposite direction in which they were travelling.

oOo

'Oh great we don't even start lessons yet and we're here with the psychotic teacher again. IN THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE. Who's betting it's because of one of you?'

'Ichigo for all you know this could be about PE yesterday, which happens to be YOUR fault.'

'MY fault? MY FAULT?? Excuse me, if this HALF down there didn't suddenly decide a trip to Land Of The Sweet Dreams And Bunnies would be an excellent choice in his life at the moment, all of that wouldn't have happened!'

'I am NOT a half and I DON'T DREAM ABOUT RABBITS! If you guys helped write the reports I wouldn't have had to stay up all night and if I didn't have to stay up I wouldn't be so tired and if I wasn't so tired I wouldn't have fallen asleep in the first place!'

'DON'T INSULT THE RABBITS!!'

'YEAH but if you guys didn't even come down here then your stupid PHONES wouldn't have RUNG and if your phones didn't ring we wouldn't have been sent to the office and if we didn't get sent to the office we wouldn't have to run the 5km!'

'YES but Ichigo you're forgetting something very vital! Yamamoto soutaichou sent us here so technically you're blaming him for all this.'

'Well YEAH I'm blaming him! Lousy idiot on an execution-happy! You know what? I realize if not for that stupid idiot everything in my life wouldn't have happened! (A/N: insert a deep breath here for complete effect) If he didn't send Rukia to this flippin' town then she wouldn't have had to transfer power to me and if she didn't have to transfer her power then she wouldn't have to be executed and if she didn't have to executed I wouldn't have had to go to Seireitei! Yes, I'm blaming the Old Fart for everything that's happened in my life so far!'

'Wait till he sees what's in the reports.'

'WAIT WAIT Toushirou you're not going to report this, are you?'

'Regulations; reports are to include details of everything that happens, too bad Kurosaki. AND I AM NOT A HALF. You DIE after school.'

'Yes, yes, as some of you might have figured out by now, this concerns yesterday.' The PE teacher looked around the principal's office which he ever-so-frequently used at his own discretion and at the principal's expense. It was struggling to contain the entire class. 'I UNDERSTAND that you are a very UNITED and HOSPITABLE class but I don't think it takes an entire class of thirty people to carry ONE boy to the sick bay.'

_Boy…_

Hitsugaya made a mental note to kill the PE teacher one way or the other before they returned to Seireitei.

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	4. never insult the rabbits

DISCLAIMER: so maybe i ought to own up now. i DON'T own bleach, i'm NOT a toilet bowl, and i DON'T fly.

'Matsumoto, tell me. Where did you set up the visual communicator with seireitei?'

'Um…I'll tell you later, taichou.'

'…'

oOo

At his house, where Ichigo presumed he might finally have some peace of mind, not that he had much anyway. He slammed his room door with enough force to send the entire Kurosaki family running either for the second floor or for cover and to send ambulances coming to ensure the safety of any casualties of war there might have been.

He pulled some crumpled sheets of paper out of his bag which he figured were either his homework or the lining of his bento box. Either way they had to be taken out. He turned right to sit at the desk to figure out why his bento lining had quadratic equations on it and why the clean pieces of paper he supposed was his homework had bits of seaweed and unagi (A/N: eel) on it.

He turned, only to find that his trustworthy piece of wooden furniture had disappeared. In its place was a mutant television-wannabe that looked like a very bad lab experiment involving a movie theatre and a few million slugs.

'AAAAH WHAT THE (insert beep) HAVE YOU GUYS DONE TO MY ROOM??'

'Oh, nothing. At least, nothing to me. This isn't any of my business.'

'SHUDDAP Ikkaku if you have nothing beneficial to say.'

'Is that how you talk to the people living on your roof?

'YES IT IS.'

'Ok then. Look out for a broken roof tomorrow.'

'NO I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY OKAY??'

'So…who should I be asking about the miraculous disappearance of my table and all its contents?'

'Matsumoto-fukutaichou.'

'…Somehow I don't know whether I want to ask or not.'

Feeling immensely stressed by the disappearance of his table and the mystery of the bento box lining/math homework, Ichigo decided a walk away from the crazy bunch of hobos who supposedly had a mission but weren't doing anything anyway would do him at least a bit of good.

In the long run, it didn't.

Back from his one-hour stroll around the house (A/N: yes, around the house), Ichigo was about to open his room door when there was an ominous crash accompanied by five screaming voices and one very angry-sounding (A/N: you can use the p-word if you want to but I won't) voice. A reflex action told him to pull his arm back.

He listened to the reflex action for all of half a second when his reasoning told him that some time or the other he would have to open the door unless he was willing to let the hobos have his room while he took his pick of the roofs in town. He opened the door.

He opened the door, only to be greeted with a hug from the North Pole. In other words we all already know what had happened and who got angry. For those of you who don't know, Matsumoto somehow made her taichou really angry and the angry person figured a personal experience with the penguins wouldn't be too bad.

'WHAT THE (insert beep) ARE YOU DOING??'

'What are we doing? What are we doing? What does it LOOK like we're doing?'

'Um…enjoying the elements? Ikkaku, I was more asking "why is my room starting to look like the North Pole/South Pole" and "what happened to my desk".'

'Answer to question 1: someone with a very short temper got very angry. Answer to question 2: we threw it away to make space for the visual communicator, which is the reason behind the answer to question one.'

'MATSUMOTO!!'

This response was from Ichigo.

'Don't worry Ichigo we emptied you desk first so yes, we have all your stuff and we know EXACTLY what you keep in your desk.'

'And where is all my stuff…?'

'Ta-dah!' Matsumoto opened the cupboard and half of the contents of what used to occupy the drawers of the desk spontaneously spilled out. The other half quivered ominously in place above the mess of what looked like Ichigo's clothes which were doubly used as a mattress by someone.

The names of the two females in the room were screamed out in unison by two of the spiky-haired, very short-tempered people in the room. We know who you are.

After some peace had been restored, Ichigo finally spoke. 'I have two questions to ask. One: why are all of you in my room? Don't you have your respective ROOFS to go to? And two: when are you going to thaw my room out?'

Ikkaku the ever-enthusiastic to answer questions posed by Ichigo, answered again. 'Question one: it's still evening, so we can't exactly sit on the roofs and get stared at by people like "are you a hobo?" Question 2: I don't know. Ask HIM.'

'Shaddup. Mastumoto activate the communicator; I'm going to sit in a dustbin somewhere or something. When Yama-jii gets put through tell him not to wait for me because I'm constipating somewhere. You tell him all the details and then relay the messages to me. And if you guys are going to ask why I don't talk to him myself since I'm the most senior here, the answer is I HATE HIM, so shaddup! '

'Do you really think that will work out okay?'

'I think it will. The main problem will be that he'll STINK when he comes back.'

'Shaddup Yumi, that's not the problem. The main problem is whether he can even get in the dustbin.'

'No, that's not a problem either,' Rukia had finally opened her mouth. 'I'm sure he's small enough to fit in one.'

'No Rukia you don't get my point, it's not the fitting inside but more of the "is he tall enough to reach the top of the dustbin anyway"'

'SHADDUP AND ACTIVATE THE THING OR I'LL NEVER THAW YOUR ROOM OUT'

'You're not being very nice.'

'NEITHER ARE YOU'

'Shaddup.'

'ACKK HE'S GOING AWAY! Come back and thaw my room!'

'No way. In your dreams'

'I'm dreaming now! I'll even dream about rabbits! Come back! Come BACK!'

'If you're talking about the "rabbits" part, you're talking to the wrong person.'

'DON'T INSULT THE RABBITS!'

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	5. who took the cookie from the cookie jar?

DISCLAIMER: i DON'T own bleach, i'm NOT a toilet bowl, and i DON'T fly.

Yumichika gently combed his hair out and gelled it in place. The first in line, he took no notice of the nine people outside the toilet door, begging him to come out.

'Why should I come out?'

An irate voice, presumably belonging to a psychedelically-coloured strawberry, forced its way into the toilet through any gap possible: under the door, through the ventilator, through the keyhole in the door. In other words, he was disrupting the peace of 7.45 in the morning.

'BECAUSE MY HOUSE ONLY HAS ONE TOILET AND SCHOOL STARTS IN FIFTEEN MINUTES! Get out! The rest of us (A/N: i.e. the Kurosaki family and the hobos) haven't set foot in the toilet since 5.30am! GET OUT!!'

Grumpily, Yumichika unlocked the toilet door and let himself out, complaining about the rogue strand of fringe he had been unable to apply gel to because he had been disgracefully chased out of the room of the flushing throne and more importantly, the mirror.

The other nine people shouted something along the lines of "to heck with your hair" and charged into the toilet.

Five minutes later, nine people set out of the house, splitting in seven different ways to "avoid another pointless quarrel which we all enjoy so much when we're together", according to Rukia.

On the way to school, Yuzu asked her brother why his "weird friends" were: first of all, so WEIRD. Secondly, so violent. And lastly, how old were they? There was one bald one, two rather short ones and the last few were…just too weird to be 15 years of age.

Before Ichigo could come up with a tactful answer to all three questions, a shout from the distance could be heard. 'I'm NOT bald, ya HEAR me?'

'I'M NOT SHORT!!'

'SAYS WHO?'

The shouts resonating around the town were very characteristic of the group. It seemed that Rukia's "Genius Plan" was not so genius after all as she seemed to have forgotten that noise can travel long distances as well.

The self-acclaimed genius, mastermind of the failed plan repeated the second line of the argument. 'I'M NOT SHORT!!'

Renji shouted back, 'WHO CARES?? I thought this was to enable our peaceful journey to school?'

'I CARE! I SHALL REFUSE TO ADMIT THAT I AM THE SMALLEST! SHUDDAP ALREADY!'

'AACK! My hair gel's coming out! ACK!! ACK!! This is all your fault, you hear me? This is because I didn't get enough time together with my gel!'

Ichigo ignored Yumichika and shouted a reply to the previous shout. 'YOU SERIOUS?? YOU MEAN YOU'RE SMALLER THAN KARIN??'

'…yes'

"WHAT WAS THAT?? I DIDN'T HEAR YOU! TALK LOUDER! SHOUT OR SOMETHING!'

'…YES!! SHADDUP OR I'LL KILL YOU!!'

'I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO ENSURE OUR PEACEFUL AND QUIET JOURNEY TO SCHOOL??'

'ACKK!! ACKK!! My hair!!'

'SHADDUP YUMI WHO CARES ANYMORE??'

'ME!!"

Karin had a bit of advice for her twin. 'Yuzu, next time if you have any questions about nii-san's (A/N: big brother) REALLY REALLY weird friends, wait until they go away, because they are REALLY WEIRD.'

'I HEARD THAT!!'

'You see?'

oOo

'Yes… I am your new homeroom teacher…do NOT stare at me. Any questions.'

The classroom was eerily quiet and the new homeroom teacher wondered why. This wasn't the normal behavior of fifteen year olds. If you took a certain fifteen year old he knew as the normal.

'No, I am not a hippie.'

'Yes, I have a mobile phone.'

'No, I am not going to tell you my age.'

'Yes, I am your homeroom teacher for the term.'

_How dense is this class?_

_Okay, VERY dense_

'No, do NOT have curlers in my—'

**BLAM**

The door burst open and the six shinigami and one pseudo-shinigami crashed in. The first two words uttered, or rather shouted, were shocking to the entire class.

'TAICHOU??'

'BYAKUYA??'

Two words they had never heard of in their entire life.

The person in question got up and went out of the classroom, pushing the confused shinigami out as well, leaving a stunned class to wonder what the two words actually were.

'Right are you going to tell us what the (insert beep) you're doing here and why you've kicked my teacher out of her post?'

'Know your place, IDIOT.' And he hit Ichigo on the head with every teacher's trusty clipboard.

The six shinigami gaped with their jaws hanging, shocked by the usage of such language. The shock was overcome in less than five seconds and was replaced with raucous laughter.

'Soutaichou figures Aizen is going to finish up the war he abandoned because his contact lenses cracked. So, he sent a whole load of us down to the real world and he said don't be hobos go get a job and Kyouraku signed us all up for jobs. Nobody chose their jobs except Kyouraku himself. Remind me to strangle him when we get back.'

The seven students stood staring at their teacher with their jaws hanging with an enormous danger of reaching the floor.

Having marked attendance, the New Teacher left the classroom and the six shinigami, one pseudo-shinigami and the three friends of the pseudo-shinigami sat dazed, jaws still hanging. Mulch Diggums would be proud of them. (A/N: Mulch Diggums is a character from Artemis Fowl. If you don't read Artemis Fowl you can either ignore the sentence there or start reading the really awesome series by Eoin Colfer).

A happy voice accompanied by some coughing entered the room together with the source of the noise. 'Yes, yes, I'm the new History teacher don't stare at me like that! New term, new teachers, nothing strange about that and i—'

'UKITAKE WHAT THE (insert beep) ARE YOU DOING HERE??'

The person in question stared innocently and blankly. 'Who me?'

'YES YOU and DON'T say "couldn't be" and expect me to say "then who" and then say "(person) took the cookie from the cookie jar"!'

'If you're wondering what I'm doing here, I said it all of ten seconds ago: I'm here to teach History and see me after class. Yes, you, Kurosaki Ichigo and gang.'

The class gave the shinigami an OhDearYou'reInDeepTrouble look while those receiving the look gave the teacher a good long stare and decided that they would be seeing him whether they wanted to or not, if Byakuya's story was true.

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	6. it's a round table

DISCLAIMER: no, i don't own anything i mention in the story. definitely not bleach.

Back from school, Yuzu posed another question, this time in the absence of the "weird friends". 'Ichi-nii, why don't you just let your friends stay at our house?'

'Cuz there are just too many of 'em.'

'Don't worry! We have SLEEPING BAGS!! I'm sure they won't mind, ne, Karin-chan?'

'Mm, whatever. As long as they don't make it into our room.'

Coerced by Yuzu, Ichigo collected Ikkaku and Yumichika from his roof, Renji from the Urahara Shoten, Matsumoto from a random roof, Rukia from his cupboard and dragged Hitsugaya from a dustbin.

He pushed the stinking mess through his front door where they were offered dinner. Ichigo was then forced to answer their every single question concerning the meal.

'What's this stuff?'

'Curry.'

'And what about this lump?'

'It's a carrot.'

'This lump?'

'A potato.'

'This?'

'A pea.'

'Why is it all so nutritious?'

'Because it's Yuzu cooking the meal.'

Renji looked into his cup. 'So…what's this?'

'It's orange juice.'

That one answer relieved Ichigo of four more questions, until a voice from way-down-there, after its owner had taken the efforts to look into his cup, mentioned, 'it doesn't look very orange to me.'

'Ah, Ichi-nii, I gave him milk 'cuz dad said that we got to drink milk every night up until we turn ten so…'

The temperature lowered significantly. The first to notice was Ichigo, who said, 'Yuzu, you better start running.'

oOo

After the milk was discarded and the meal completed, the gang trooped up to Ichigo's room.

Five out of the seven people were still laughing over what happened during dinner. One of the remaining people was threatening School Trip Number Two to the North Pole while the other was threatening to return the others' status to Hobo and leave it at that.

The dinner story in detail: while an ant merrily made its way up Renji's leg, his cup of juice had been swapped with the cup of milk. Having chased the insect off his leg, Renji picked his cup up and drank from it. Only it wasn't his cup. It belonged to the devious person seated to his left of the round table. The redhead nearly vomited and he, who was as devious as the person to his left, quickly swapped the milk cup with Ikkaku's cup of juice while the shiny-headed san-seki attempted to pull the all-hated peas off his potato. (A/N: actually I like peas though).

One more sip had been taken from the milk cup, after which three people at the table looked ready to vomit. We know who you are. The most recent victim decided he would rather be a criminal and swapped the dreaded milk cup with the cup of juice to his right while the owner of that particular cup was sticking a strand of hair back into his neat gelled mass, making sure it was in place by staring at his reflection in the back of his spoon. The then newest victim of the milk war drank a mouthful of the poison and only his pride kept him from spilling his insides out.

Yumichika frowned at the evil concoction sitting in his cup and slid the cup next to Matsumoto's plate, taking her cup of juice while she tried to squish the ant under her chair, which was apparently disturbing her to her limit. Having fought a victorious battle with the ant, a mouthful of juice was in order. Only it didn't happen to be juice. A disgusted look plastered her face as she looked into the cup. As Rukia assembled a rabbit with a potato, two carrots and three peas, her cup was snatched away and craftily replaced with the Cup of Doom.

Feeling accomplished, Rukia looked up from her mammalian masterpiece and decided to drink juice before destructing the creation in her mouth. She retched and looked suspiciously into her cup. Shocked at the sudden replacement of liquid, she decided to carry on the tradition. As Ichigo wiped a curry disaster on the floor, his cup was taken away and the ominous cup took its place. Somehow showing a streak of genius, he looked into his cup before drinking from it.

He cast a dirty look to his left, where Rukia passed The Look to Matsumoto, who burned it into Yumichika's brain, who turned to his left and fired The Look at Ikkaku, who repeated the previous action to Renji, who turned to his left and bore a murderous look into Hitsugaya, who in turn twisted around and cast an icy glare into Yuzu, who shrank back and started screaming apologies into Karin's face, who told her twin to turn around and stop showering her with spit, knocking Isshin off his seat in the process, who knocked Ichigo off his seat, who knocked Rukia off her seat, who knocked Matsumoto off her seat, who knocked Yumichika off his seat and his strand of hair off his head, who crashed into Ikkaku, who crashed into Renji, who sent Hitsugaya flying into Yuzu, who fell into Karin, who simply fell backwards off her seat. (A/N: oh aren't round tables fun)

Chaos ensued.

In other words, life was proceeding normally.

Giving up, Ichigo picked up the Cup of Ultimate Doom and said, 'I really don't see what's so wrong and indigestible about milk!' having said what he said, he downed the entire contents of the cup which had made its way around three quarters of the table. He gagged and wished he had never been born and rushed to the toilet making retching noises.

From the dining area, gagging noises, swear words, gargling and the sounds of brushing teeth could be heard wafting out of the toilet which had been high in demand that morning, but probably wouldn't be the next morning if the person currently occupying it vomited. Each person then mentally decided to sleep in school uniform that night in any case the anticipated DID happen.

At 12 midnight, an irate voice penetrated the ongoing laughter. 'OI, GO TO SLEEP WILL YA? YOU IDIOTS AREN'T THE ONLY ONES IN THE HOUSE!'

So, six people were literally kicked out of the room and six very scruffy sleeping bags were tossed out together with them. We know who you are…or do we?

'RUKIA GIMME MY ROOM BACK!!'

The irate voice from the twins' room came shouting back. 'JUST SHADDUP AND GO TO SLEEP!'

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


	7. so which way is the school?

DISCLAIMER: i shall correct myself. i DO own bleach. i found a bottle of it in the cupboard in the depths of the toilet.

**Crunch**

'OWW!!'

'Sorry…'

'You don't SOUND sorry, Madarame.'

They had given up taking different routes to school after one day and decided they should just walk to school with their mouths shut. The outrageous plan, carefully planned by Renji, worked for the first five seconds of the journey.

'Whatever.'

'You STEPPED on my FOOT and you say WHATEVER??You happen to weigh 76 kilograms and you STEP on me and all you can say is WHATEVER??'

'Look, how painful can it be? It's not like you're THAT much lighter than me!'

'I am a WHOLE FORTY-EIGHT KILOS LIGHTER THAN YOU.'

'JUST SHADDUP ALREADY!'

At a cross-junction, someone asked, 'which direction is the school in?' obviously that someone's not been looking where he's walking for the past few days.

'That way.' Matsumoto and Rukia pointed in opposite directions and sent each other an I'm-correct-so-listen-to-me glare.

Neither complied.

'IT'S THAT WAY!! I swear!'

Renji, at that point in time, surrendered. 'You know what, you guys can go your way, I think I'll take this way,' and he pointed in a completely different direction and set off.

Yumichika saw a bit of sense in that logic and figured he'd take the last remaining path.

Ichigo obviously picked the path in the correct direction (A/N: but since I can't decide I shan't tell you which direction) and walked off. Ikkaku trailed after him. All in all, this left a lost-looking kid in the middle of a cross-junction who decided heck, let's go home instead.

So he did.

oOo

An hour later, in Ichigo's room, the Lost-Looking Kid's pocket buzzed. He flipped the phone open and a caller ID flashed the word MATSUMOTO on the screen. He sighed and wondered whether he should press the little button with a green phone on it or not. When it wouldn't stop buzzing, he pressed the button, dread written all over his face.

Renji's loud voice came exploding into his right ear as in the background he could hear the protests of Matsumoto and the arguments of the rest of the shinigami.

He didn't know whether he should be relieved or not.

'TAICHOU WHERE THE (insert beep) ARE YOU??'

'I'm in Kurosaki's bedroom, doing the reports and paperwork you guys kindly left for me. Shut up and hang up and go away; I don't want to see any of you until 3pm today.'

'That would be fine, if not for the fact that my taichou needs to talk to you about some dead-important message from Yama-jii and as homeroom teacher he wants to kill you when he sees you for skipping school.'

'Oh, that sounds friendly.' His words dripped sarcasm.

'I'm SERIOUS. He wants to see you within the next five minutes and then he's going to kill you then because you were supposed to come to school every day in case there was an emergency message they don't trust any of us with.'

'I'm SERIOUS too. Tell him I got knifed by the toilet bowl or got gravely injured by a juice box or something.'

A series of beep tones filled Renji's ear as the person who impaled upon a toilet bowl hung up.

Ichigo, attempting to disguise his overwhelming curiosity with the I'm-Very-Caring attitude and failed, forced Renji to replay the phone call.

Subsequently six people were seen rolling around on the floor laughing.

The six people were then chased out of the classroom by the replacement math teacher, Nanao-fukutaichou, for the usage of handheld devices in class and the sudden outburst of noise.

Outside the classroom, they expressed their opinions on the sudden change of teachers.

'It's really quite scary. You go to school one normal day and then suddenly you see all these all-too-familiar faces staring at you from the front of the classroom, telling you they're your new teacher.'

'That's not the scary part. The scary part is when you realize none of the ORIGINAL teachers are around.'

'YESS it's like they chased the entire school staff out of the school or kept them hostage somewhere or something and then took over.'

'Let's see…who took over what job?'

'Sasakibe Choujirou has taken the administration post in the general office. Soifon-taichou has become PE teacher. Oomaeda works in the canteen now if I'm not wrong. Unohana-taichou and Isane-fukutaichou have taken over the sick bay. Byakuya-taichou has kicked our homeroom teacher out into the depths of who-knows-where ...'

'Hmm…and then there's Tetsuzaemon Iba, he's the school cleaner or something like that…never knew we even HAD a school cleaner…Kyouraku-taichou rules the kitchen with his bottles of sake and whenever he can, pours some of it into people's cooking. Nanao-fukutaichou has squished down the math teacher's job, and someone figured Hisagi Shuuhei would make a good English teacher.'

'Kenpachi has miraculously been assigned the job 'guardian' and sends Yachiru to preschool everyday…and Mayuri-taichou is the IT teacher and Ukitake-taichou has become the history teacher, and I assume all else unnamed would either have fired the CCA teachers or taken other subjects to bombard us with.'

oOo

'AAACKK!! Ichi-nii! There's this freaky-looking hippie guy with long hair and I think he says he's your teacher or something and he wants to talk to one of your friends! AACK!! I think he's got the I GOTTA KILL YOU look on his face!'

'What it is, Yuzu?'

The small girl took a deep breath to repeat the lengthy sentence when the person in question told her to shut up and just wait for the orange gorilla to come down. Based on the vivid descriptions given by the eleven year old, he should know exactly who it was at the door and if he wasn't too stupid should come running down.

'Who is it?'

So maybe the fifteen-year-old's intellect had been severely overestimated.

'It's me, you idiot. Let me in.'

'NOT BY THE HAIR ON MY CHINNY-CHIN-CHIN NO WAY not that I have a beard but NO, NO, AND NO AGAIN! We're out of sleeping bags already so SCRAM! Scram, ya hear me? SCRAM!'

'I need to speak to jyuubantai-taichou (A/N: tenth division captain). It concerns his…um…absence from school today.'

Ichigo nearly laughed, knowing that Byakuya wasn't such a caring teacher to ask his students why they had been absent from school. No, he wouldn't make a trip at 9.30pm just to clarify how his student got injured by a juice box.

Ok, so maybe it DID concern his absence.

Renji had been screaming something about orders from Way-Up-There, so maybe he WAS going to be killed.

Ichigo frowned as the two taichous knelt on his bed, solemnly conveying reports and orders and wondered why on earth they couldn't do it on the floor. And, he wanted his desk back.

At 11pm, Ichigo submitted himself to a tattered sleeping bag and left the bed for the short leader of their group, who was still apparently conversing with the other member of authority, presumably about something serious and important. In fact, it had BETTER be serious and important or he'd kill the undersized idiot for uselessly sending him off his bed.

And he hoped that when he woke up there would only be seven people in his room, not eight.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


	8. the nosebleed epidemic

DISCLAIMER: i dont own bleach or anything related to it

Granted, when he woke up, there were seven people in his room. The eighth, and also his newly-assigned homeroom teacher, sat in the doorway and slept against the doorframe.

The teacher was then kicked into consciousness and then flung out the window by the reasoning of What Would My Family Think If They Saw My (insert beep)-ing Teacher In My Room.

Seconds later, the doorbell rang.

A few seconds after that, the door was slammed unceremoniously into the homeroom teacher's face and was told to peel his butt off the Kurosaki property and make his way to school.

All this took place at 5am in the morning.

oOo

A muffled voice made its way out of the depths of a sleeping bag. 'Is there school today?'

The annoyed owner of the bed who was attempting to wrestle some of the bed area away from the sleeping figure of authority answered, 'yes, there is, so hurry up and get out of your stupid sleeping bag.'

'Must we go…?' a muffled voice made its way out of the cupboard.

A mysterious limb, under the protection of Ichigo's blanket, swung out and Ichigo was seen flying off the foot of the bed. The owner of the limb, who was lost in the blanket trying to untangle his leg from the large piece of material, answered in a muffled voice, '…yes.'

The comedy act made its way to school rather grumpily, arguing over the issue of lack of sleep and the unrealistic expectations that were set for them and how the amount of sleep you get affects your height.

The subject was quickly changed to Who Gets The Bed Tonight and Why Must We Go To School In The First Place. They reached the school, leaving a path of destruction in their wake.

The inquisitive members of society who innocently asked why Hitsugaya had been absent from school the previous day were answered with a kick in the face and subsequently a visit to the sick bay for a bleeding nose.

The fourth division was beginning to suspect an epidemic of nosebleeds.

oOo

the classroom door slid open. Thirty heads swiveled around in their places to see a small, pink-haired kindergartener standing in the doorway. She, surprisingly, had no parent with her.

'AH!! TSURURIN!!'

'KUSAJISHI-FUKUTAICHOU!'

'Yachiru-chan!'

'So, why isn't Kenpachi with you?'

'Because the teacher sent me out of class for doing this thing they called violence and since she said Go Out, I did.'

'WHAT THE (insert beep)??'

'Look, you go back to you kindergarten and tell the teacher you're sorry, whether you're sorry or not.'

'But I dunno how to get there.'

'YOU FOUND YOUR WAY HERE AND YOU CAN'T GET BACK??'

'Mmhmm!'

Hisagi then sent all the shinigami out of the classroom, who decided to send Yachiru back to kindergarten and then return to school.

IF Choutarou would let them in.

'Look, if you're so late for school, stay out of it then! No point in going to school when there's all of one hour left!'

'Well, we were here in the FIRST place, until Kusajushi-fukutaichou barged in and then Hisagi-fukutaichou sent us out so we decided to send her back to school and—'

'Fine, fine, shut up and go in.'

oOo

As the group made their way home, of course, they had to do a bit of arguing on the way, they noticed ten figures of authority. Where were they? On the roof, obviously. The school roof.

It was three in the afternoon.

They were all in their gigais.

The group stopped mid-argument in their major discussion about why juice boxes were not always boxes and why they were called juice boxes and how you drank the stuff out of them and basically every stupid question concerning a juice box one can come up with and looked up to the school roof.

They ignored the conglomeration of taichous on the roof, more in favour of preserving their longevity, rather fearful of what kind of evil death would occur if anyone set foot onto the roof at that moment.

oOo

At 11pm, Ichigo's window slid open and a diminutive figure entered, accidentally on purpose stepping on his face. Satisfied with the scream, he took a sleeping bag, stuffed the owner of the bed into it and went into the bed himself.

The obviously unhappy resident then tore his way out of the nearly-broken sleeping bag and then wrestled his assassin out of the bed, waking up the rest of the room.

'WILL THE TWO OF YOU SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP?'

'NO, NOT UNTIL I GET MY BED BACK! One by one all of you have been stealing my bed from me!'

'SHUDDAP! I need to sleep!'

'THEN TELL THESE STUPID IDIOTS TO STOP ROBBING ME OF MY BED!'

'LIVE WITH LIFE, STUPID! Shout another time and I'll freeze all of you to death! All of you will be murdered in your sleeping bags!'

'Rukia, you're so EVILLL…'

'Go to sleep.'

'I want my bed back.'

'Shut up.'

'Mae, Sode no Shira—'

'AACK! I'M SORRY! I'M REALLY SORRY OKAY?? Look you can have my bed, just don't freeze us over in the middle of the night! OKAY??'

'Okay.'

'Why is it SHE gets the bed? I could threaten to do something to you too, you know.'

'Then you know what? I'll let ALL of you have the bed, and then I can get the sofa or floor or whatever seems appealing at the point in time.'

'Wow. I never knew Ichigo was so smart.'

'SHUT UP!!' together with the cry from the twins' room, Kon in a frilly pink thingie accompanied by a couple of gorillas came flying into the room, hitting Matsumoto squarely in the face. After that, a soccer ball made its way violently into the room, this time hitting Yumichika on the head. Needless to say, both casualties were not very happy.

They decided to let Ichigo have the bed, in fear that more objects would come flying across the corridor, and went to sleep.

Of course, a day is never complete without a few more arguments. Someone rolled over someone and that someone got very mad and woke everyone else up.

'OWW!'

'GERROFF!!'

'Mmph…don't shout okay? I thought we were going to get some sleep?'

'ARGH WILL YOU GUYS EVER STOP ARGUING??'

The fight paused for a split second.

'Probably not.'

Several pieces of furniture nearly met a ghastly doom as the seven people carried out a full-fledged brawl, rolling around and hitting each other, releasing zanpakutous and throwing punches that hit nothing but the unfortunate furniture.

'JUST SHADDUP, OKAY??'

The familiar voice made its way from the twins' room. From another room, another voice made its way above the noise level of one in the morning.

'Karin-chan, don't worry, daddy will love you forever, whether you shut Ichi-nii and his stupid friends up or not!'

'SHUTUP TOO, OYAJI (A/N: translated by Dattebayo as Pops)!'

By 2am, peace was restored and neigbouring residents within a one kilometre radius finally managed to get a bit of sleep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


	9. here comes Aizen

DISCLAIMER: really. i dont own it. stop asking me.

'Mmph…is there school today…again?' a muffled voice from under a sleeping bag made connection with the world. Renji obviously never wanted to emerge from his tattered cloth cocoon.

'Yes…' Ichigo, rather grumpy at having to answer the same question, refused to get out. 'You guys know how to get there, right? Good. Get to school yourself, I don't want to argue another five million times with you retards again.'

Ikkaku immediately shot out of his sleeping bag. 'I AM NOT A RETARD!!'

The other jyuuichi-bantai member wormed out of his sleeping bag and commented, 'it doesn't sound pretty.'

Mastumoto pulled her sleeping bag off herself and lay on it. 'How many days do we have to go to school for?'

Rukia, however, seemed to be the only person enthusiastic about the upcoming events of going to school. Having dressed in her uniform, she bounced out of the cupboard, causing a few people to spontaneously get a heart attack on the spot.

A phone beeped.

A sleeping bag unzipped and Hitssugaya came out of it.

'Guess what.'

'WHAT??' rather excited, I think we've deduced for ourselves that these people are very wide awake in the mornings. The Morning People.

'We don't have to go to school. Kurotsuchi-taichou sent a message saying something along the lines of based on the spirit particle reaction who-knows-what thingie blablabla and the fluctuating reiatsu etcetera blablaBLA Aizen is going to come sometime really soon so in short, we don't need to go to school and your classmates will be getting the normal teachers back again.'

On the way to the park, where it was agreed for all the shinigami to meet, our protagonists had another argument. Mornings are wonderful times for arguments and they apparently just can't stand the temptation.

'Are you SURE we get to skip school?''

'Of course. They're ORDERS, in case you never realised. Stupid Ichigo.'

'DON'T CALL ME STUPID, STUPID IKKAKU!'

'Don't argue. It's unsightly.'

'Why don't you just join in the fun, Yumi?'

'STUpid! STUpid! I think you're all idiots.'

'Shaddup, Renji.'

'Are YOU saying that I'M stupid?'

'YES, I AM, in case the message didn't penetrate your oh-so-thick skull!'

'OH YEAH? Want me to smash your skull open to see how thick it is? I bet I can't even get it open; it's probably 20 centimetres thick each side!'

'LIKE REAL, would you like ME to split YOUR skull open? I bet when it opens up there won't be any brain in it.'

'HADOU NO YON! BYAKURAI!' (A/N: way of destruction 4, white lightning)

'AACK! RUKIA! NO! Don't hit us! NOOOOOO!!'

**BZAAATT.**

Four singed bodies lay limply on the ground as Matsumoto and Rukia inspected them, poking them and checking for essential life signs such as moaning and cursing. It seemed they all survived the kidou attack.

Hitsugaya walked ahead, telling the six behind him to stand up and start walking before he turned them into nice little ice cubes.

They got up and ran after him.

oOo

'TSURURIN!!'

A pink bomb exploded in Ikkaku's face.

'AND YUMMY-YUMMY!!'

'WHAT did she call you?'

'I don't know. Kusajishi-fukutaichou, please don't call me that. You make it sound like I'm some sort of delicacy or something.'

'Hurry up and MOVE, jyuuichi-bantai!'

They ran, Ikkaku with a little pink explosive latched onto his cranium by the fangs.

An ominous shadow loomed over the trio from jyuuichi-bantai.

'Yo. You guys know where the park is?'

The eye patched taichou looked down with an expectant look at his subordinates. Yachiru, still hanging on to Ikkaku, pointed upwards and shouted, 'THA' WAY!!'

'Right, like I'm going to trust ya.'

'OI, ICHIGO, ya know where the park is?'

'KEN-CHAN!! Do ya, icchy?'

'DUH I KNOW WHERE THE PARK IS!'

'Ne, ne, Ken-chan! I think the park is there!' Yachiru pointed at the sky, thought for a moment, and shifted the direction of her pointer finger to the ground. 'OR HERE!'

'As if I'm gonna listen to YOUR sense of direction.'

'ARE YOU GONNA STOP ARGUING AND FOLLOW ME TO THE PARK?'

'Ken-chan, you're being MEAN. Meanie-meanie-meanie-meanie-meanie.' Yachiru poked Kenpachi several times wherever she could reach every time she said "meanie".

'I'M LEAVING YOU GUYS ALONE!!'

'NO! ICCHY, THAT'S MEAN!'

'Fine, whatever. So we're all mean. Shut up and RUN.'

oOo

Every single shinigami from seireitei stood in the circular clearing of grass in the park, looking up into the sky, as if waiting for it to fall.

As the gang of hobos plus jyuuichi-bantai figures of authority arrived, the concentration of the crowd was broken as reunions were made.

First was Kira, who miraculously pulled a bottle of sake out of his shihakushou and sat down together with Renji and Matsumoto in the grass. They were, after all of five seconds, joined by Kyouraku, who also snuck a few bottles of sake out of his shihakushou.

A short while after he had done that, Nanao joined the party with her clipboard, incessantly hitting her taichou over the head with it.

Number two: Hinamori. Noticing her childhood friend, she jumped at him.

'SHIROU-CHAN!!'

He sidestepped.

She fell face-flat into the grass.

He laughed.

The rest of the Gotei 13 laughed.

'What d'you do that for?'

'What, and get glomped by you?'

'That's not fair! Why can't I hug you?'

'Because I say no.'

'But—'

'Shaddup.'

'Wait till you reach puberty. You'll regret everything you did to me.'

'RIGHT, as if. Like I'm ever going to reach THAT stage.'

'YEAH! And you wanna know why? You're not tall enough! That's why!'

'SHADDUP!!'

Yamamoto-soutaichou stared at his officers and thought of people to demote and promote.

Meanwhile, Rukia was attempting quiet exchange with her taichou. It wasn't going too well, not with the incessantly-arguing san-sekis surrounding them, doing what they normally do: argue.

Jyuuni-bantai (twelfth division) taichou made a comment. 'They are coming. REEALLY soon.'

All activity ceased, zanpakutous were drawn and released, and shinigami looked expectantly for the sky to fall.

Five minutes of silence ensued. (A/N: applause!)

As un-suddenly and slowly as anything could happen, a dimension warp opened up in the sky and Aizen, flanked by his army of arrancar, stepped out.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


	10. he said WHAT?

DISCLAIMER: i really, really, don't own any bleach. (cleaning agent or otherwise)

Aizen did not seem to notice the entire Gotei 13 surrounding the ground beneath him. Instead, he concentrated on his own army.

'Right. You guys,' at this point in time he gestured towards a group of arrancar, 'are going to take the North. And you guys,' again, he gestured towards another group of his masked army, 'are gonna take the East.' To cut his wordy order short, he split his army into four teams and sent them in the four different directions known as North, East, South and West, though more commonly known as Up, Right, Down and Left.

Meanwhile, the Gotei 13 stood dumbfounded in the grassy clearing, wondering what the heck Aizen was doing, sending his entire army in different directions. Was he going to demolish the entire Karakura town? Or was he just sending them away so he and his two best friends could have a nice friendly battle/chat over a few cups of tea with their ex-colleagues?

Obviously this warrants an argument.

'Whaddya think he's doing?'

'I think he's trying to destroy Karakura in one move, like, you know, just snap his fingers and then the whole town goes BANG, and then—'

'Are you crazy? Stupid idiot. Obviously he's just sending them away so he can have a fair battle with whoever he cares to pick a fight with.'

'How on earth can YOU be sure?'

'Cuz I've got heaps of brain matter. Heaps more than you do.'

'OH YEAH SAY THAT AGAIN!!'

'For all you know the arrancar could just be decoys or somethin' and then he'll do something dastardly evil and blow up the whole town without even using his army.'

'Stupid idiot. You think he'll go through all that trouble with the hougyoku rubbish just to make stuff he's not gonna use?'

'He might have about as much brainpower as you do.'

'DON'T INSULT MY AIZEN-TAICHOUUU!!'

A patriotic and mournful whine ceased the argument for three seconds. It was ignored and the argument continued.

'So what do you think he's REALLY gonna do?'

'Dunno. Ask the soutaichou.'

'What makes you think I know?' the argument recruited a new member.

'Well, that's because you ARE the soutaichou, so therefore you got to at least—'

'I don't know anything about Aizen's plans.'

'But then, but then, you're supposed to—'

'Shut up.'

'Go ask Kurotsuchi-taichou.'

'What makes you think HE knows?'

'Well he DID come up with the accurate calculations…'

'But he doesn't study PSYCHOLOGY, does he?'

'No…'

'So therefore he shouldn't know a THING about what Aizen's thinking!'

'What did you say I don't know?' more people for the argument.

'I, uh, we, uh, um, eh, er, didn't say anything at all!'

'Don't lie to me; tell me what you said about me and my knowledge limitations.'

'Uh, we, um, er, said that your knowledge knows no bounds…'

'YEAH, RIGHT. Tell me the truth.'

'But, but, if you HEARD what we said just now, you wouldn't need me to say it again. And since you're pestering me about it, you obviously heard it and you know that by getting me to repeat it you'll only get angrier, so there's no point in…I mean, ignorance is a bliss, isn't it?'

'Are you saying I'M ignorant??'

'N-no…'

'TELL ME!'

'DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID??'

'SHUTUP THE LOT OF YOU!'

'Yeah, tell us WHY we should shut up.'

'Well, uh, that's because, um, I don't know, really. It just doesn't create a very friendly environment…'

'WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?? Go away, yon-bantai (fourth division).'

'Oh REALLY? Who gives you the RIGHT to send my subordinates away?'

'Ah…Unohana-taichou…'

'TAICHOUU!! What are you doing? We're supposed to be—'

'Ah, Isane. Don't worry; we're just having a bit of fun.'

'Fun? FUN? It looks like we're being bullied and you're going to get into a fight!'

'What is all this arguing and fighting?'

'Hello Soifon. You wanna join us?'

'…'

Crumbs dropped from above.

Shinigami looked up. They looked up, to see Oomaeda eating another bag of who-knows-what.

A brawl started up again, involving the unethical treatment of potatoes and how they got turned into chips and whether it was safe to get hit by boogers.

Obviously, nobody wanted to miss out and the entire Gotei 13 (yes, the whole lot of them) managed to get themselves involved.

The fight continued for the next ten minutes, projectiles nearly missing people's heads, fluffy pink flowers destroying the bag of unethical treatment to potatoes, ice trying to freeze fire, fire trying to melt the ice and people coughing blood and others trying to drink sake. There was an ominous pokey ash cloud threatening to poke anything that got in its way and others basically swinging zanpakutous randomly and dangerously around. Kidou spells were making their way around the park's grassy clearing, not to mention steadily rising reiatsus.

Clearly, it was not a very good morning for those unfortunate people who chose to have a picnic that lovely morning.

So, since they were all so deeply engrossed in their morning exercise, what stopped them, you might ask.

It was Aizen. So technically he saved half the town before he planned to obliterate them. It wasn't actually him. It was his voice. It was this one word, 'Go.'

'CRAP WHERE ARE THEY GOING?? WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO??'

Aizen answered their question.

'Go, since it was not in hueco mundo, it must be here. Find my contact lens. The missing one that fell out the last time we came here just before winter. The one who finds it will be rewarded.'

The group of violent black-robed beings on the grass stared up with this dumbfounded look on their faces. Maybe the sky WAS going to fall after all.

'WHAT THE (insert very loud, very long beep)??'

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

**END**


	11. the epilogue is important too

DISCLAIMER: you ought to know by now. i dont own.

this is basically details of some of the characters, like their birthdays and stuff. i only included the protagonists, Orihime, Chad and the Kurosaki family but if you want the details for more characters you can tell me via review and then i can add the details in for that character.

NOTE: all this is according to my Nintendo DS cartridge, so, i better credit it.

Ichigo  
Birthday: 15 July  
Height: 174cm  
Weight: 61kg  
Zanpakutou: Zangetsu

Rukia  
Birthday: 14 January  
Height: 144cm  
Weight: 33kg  
Zanpakutou: Sode no Shirayuki

Renji  
Birthday: 31 August  
Height: 188cm  
Weight: 78kg  
Zanpakutou: Zabimaru

Hitsugaya  
Birthday: 20 December  
Height: 133cm  
Weight: 28kg  
Zanpakutou: Hyourinmaru

Ikkaku  
Birthday: 9 September  
Height: 182cm  
Weight: 76kg  
Zanpakutou: Houzukimaru

Matsumoto  
Birthday: 29 September  
Height: 172cm  
Weight: 57kg  
Zanpakutou: Haineko

Yumichika  
Birthday: 19 September  
Height: 169cm  
Weight: 56kg  
Zanpakutou: Fujikujaku

--

Orihime  
Birthday: 3 September  
Height: 157cm  
Weight: 45kg  
Blood type: BO

Chad  
Birthday: 7 April  
Height: 197cm  
Weight: 112kg  
Blood type: BO

Isshin  
Birthday: 10 December  
Height: 186cm  
Weight: 80kg  
Blood type: AB

Yuzu  
Birthday: 6 May  
Height: 137cm  
Weight: 31kg

Karin  
Birthday: 6 May  
Height: 136cm  
Weight: 31kg

so, yes, i did my research. Karin and Yuzu ARE twins, Karin being the smaller of the two.  
and Hitsugaya is smaller than Karin.

in fact, there are only two characters smaller than him and that's Yachiru and Jinta. Yachiru is 109cm tall and Jinta is 126cm tall. so, yes. Ururu is taller than him too. she's 141cm tall.


End file.
